Understanding and supporting our teenagers in the modern world

The digital world has become a primary space where adolescents interact, form relationships, and shape their identities. Unfortunately, this space is often rife with harmful influences, including distorted views of relationships, beauty, and success.

By DR NAZLI DOMINGO-SALIE

As a social scientist, parent, teacher, educationist and grandparent of budding teenagers, my understanding of the challenges our youth face has shifted dramatically over the years.

In the 70s and 80s, my primary concerns were about my children’s physical safety, worrying about them falling from trees, setting off fireworks, or cycling too fast. But today, the landscape of adolescence has evolved into something much more complex, and the concerns we face as parents and educators are vastly different, yet just as pressing.

The modern teenage experience is fraught with challenges that were barely on the radar when I was raising my children. Today’s adolescents are navigating the turbulent waters of social media, distorted views of masculinity, and an environment of constant societal and peer pressure. These influences are shaping their relationships, identities, and overall well-being in ways that we could not have imagined in the past.

From a social science perspective, this phenomenon is deeply concerning, as we are witnessing the emotional, psychological, and social development of our youth being undermined by a digital world that promotes unhealthy ideals and behaviours.

In this context, a recent television series, Adolescence, forces us to confront a deeply unsettling reality. It begins with the story of 13-year-old Jamie Miller, who is arrested for the murder of his schoolmate, Katie Leonard. While the show presents a murder-mystery scenario, the real question it raises isn’t ‘who did it’? We already know that from the start, but rather, why did it happen? What forces shaped Jamie into the young man capable of such violence?

In this article, I aim to explore these challenges while drawing on Islamic teachings that provide a safety net to protect our children from such dangers. We will examine the distorted views of masculinity that are propagated by modern society and how Islam offers a balanced and protective framework for both boys and girls. In doing so, we will look at how we, as parents, educators, and community members, can help our children navigate these complex issues.

The crisis of masculinity and the social pressures on adolescents

One of the most alarming developments in modern adolescence is the crisis of masculinity, particularly among boys. Jamie’s story is a powerful lens through which we can explore the damaging effects of societal pressures on boys. Despite being a bright and loving child with supportive parents, Jamie becomes consumed by the toxic culture of masculinity that is perpetuated through social media, peer pressure, and a distorted understanding of what it means to be a man.

From a social science perspective, we recognise that the idea of ‘toxic masculinity’ is a harmful construct that places immense pressure on boys to conform to rigid gender roles. The ‘Boy Code’ and ‘Man Box’ mentality suggests that a boy’s worth is measured by his sexual experiences, emotional stoicism, and dominance over others. At just 13, Jamie is already grappling with these expectations. The pressures are overwhelming. He faces ridicule for being a virgin, for not fitting in with the social norms, and for being emotionally vulnerable. These pressures result in feelings of inadequacy and confusion, which ultimately lead to destructive behaviours.

Islam offers a profound counter-narrative to these distorted ideals of masculinity. The Quran and Hadith emphasise values of emotional intelligence, self-restraint, and respect for others. These qualities are in stark contrast to the toxic masculinity portrayed in media today.

Allah (SWT) commands men to ‘lower their gaze and guard their private parts’, highlighting the importance of modesty and self-control (Quran 24:30). The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also stressed the importance of kindness, humility and respect in his teachings; for instance: ‘The best of you are those who are best to their women.’ (Sunan Ibn Majah)

This message stands in direct opposition to the harmful ‘Man Box’ mentality that equates masculinity with dominance and sexual conquest. Instead, Islam teaches that true strength lies in emotional maturity, compassion, and respect for oneself and others.

The role of social media in shaping identity and relationships

Another critical issue facing today’s teenagers is the overwhelming influence of social media. The digital world has become a primary space where adolescents interact, form relationships, and shape their identities. Unfortunately, this space is often rife with harmful influences, including distorted views of relationships, beauty, and success. For example, in Adolescence, Jamie’s fragile identity is shaped, in part, by his interactions on Instagram, where he is exposed to a toxic culture that values superficiality and status over emotional well-being and self-worth.

From a social science standpoint, we understand that social media can have a significant impact on the mental health and self-esteem of teenagers. The constant barrage of idealised images, cyberbullying, and peer comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and anxiety. Studies have shown that the more time teens spend on social media, the more likely they are to experience depression and body image issues.

In Islam, the concept of guarding one’s heart and mind is critical. The Quran warns against allowing harmful influences to corrupt our inner selves, stating: ‘And do not follow that of which you have no knowledge. Indeed, the hearing, the sight, and the heart – about all of these you will be questioned.’ (Quran 17:36)

This verse serves as a reminder that we must be conscious of what we expose ourselves to, whether in the digital world or in real life. Parents and educators must be proactive in guiding children to understand the potential harms of social media and help them build resilience against the unrealistic portrayals they encounter online.

The importance of chastity and restraint before marriage

One of the most pressing concerns for modern teenagers is the premature focus on sexual activity.

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In Adolescence, Jamie’s struggles are intensified by the mockery he faces for being a virgin at the age of 13. This pressure to conform to sexual norms before emotional maturity is reached is all too common in today’s society. Islam provides a clear and protective framework for addressing this issue, emphasising chastity and self-restraint before marriage.

The Quran encourages both men and women to protect their chastity and maintain modesty: ‘And those who guard their private parts. Except from their wives or those whom their right hands possess, for indeed, they are not to be blamed.’ (Quran 23:5-6)

This guidance is not meant to be restrictive, but rather protective. It aims to shield individuals from the emotional, physical, and psychological consequences of engaging in sexual activity before they are ready for the responsibilities of marriage. Early sexual encounters, particularly those driven by peer pressure or media influence, can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion, feelings that many teens like Jamie struggle with in the series.

By advocating for chastity and the postponement of sexual activity until marriage, Islam offers a safety net that protects adolescents from the pressures of society and allows them to mature emotionally and spiritually.

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: ‘The one who marries has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.’ (Tirmidhi)

This hadith underscores the importance of marriage as a means of fulfilling one’s emotional and physical needs in a responsible, committed way. The Islamic approach to sexuality ensures that young people are not burdened by premature sexual expectations and are given the time to develop into emotionally mature and responsible adults.

The role of parents and educators in protecting our youth

As parents, teachers, and community leaders, it is our responsibility to guide our children through the complex challenges they face in today’s world. The pressures on modern teenagers, whether from social media, peer pressure, or distorted views of masculinity, are immense. But Islam provides us with the tools to help our children navigate these challenges in a healthy and balanced way.

Parents must be proactive in monitoring their children’s online activities, engaging in open and honest conversations about their experiences, and providing them with the emotional and spiritual support they need. The Quran emphasises the importance of strong family bonds and mutual care: ‘And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small”.’ (Quran 17:24)

This verse highlights the importance of compassion and understanding in our relationships with our children. As social scientists and parents, we must work together to create environments that nurture emotional intelligence, self-respect, and faith.

Islam encourages us to create environments of care and understanding, where children feel safe to express themselves, seek guidance, and find comfort in their faith. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: ‘Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.’ (Sahih al-Bukhari)

Parents and educators are the shepherds of their children’s hearts and minds, and we must fulfil this responsibility with diligence, compassion, and wisdom.

Building a future Rooted in faith and compassion

While the pressures of modern adolescence may often feel overwhelming, Islam offers a compassionate, structured, and protective framework to guide our youth through these formative years. It provides a solid foundation for our children to develop into emotionally intelligent, responsible, and spiritually grounded adults. By emphasising the values of chastity, emotional maturity, and self-respect, Islam offers a vital safeguard, protecting our youth from the harmful influences that permeate today’s society.

In conclusion, it is our responsibility, as parents, educators, and community leaders, to stay vigilant and proactive in guiding our children through the complexities of the digital age. By equipping them with the wisdom and tools to navigate the pressures of adolescence, we can empower them to grow into the men and women Allah has destined them to be – individuals who are confident in their identity, respectful of others, and unwavering in their faith.

Dr Nazli Domingo-Salie is an education consultant. She provides expert advice, guidance and support to educational institutions, NPOs and relevant stakeholders.